|queen of taco tuesday. her grace. (prattl) wrote,|
@ 2016-10-15 17:15:00
|Current music:||who's gonna support me running the half marathon tomorrow?|
public | do you have any flaws?
i don't always feel... smart. i'm not talking about my choices, really. bad mistakes, i've made a few... yadda yadda, i've come through, whatever. i don't mean that i feel unintelligent, either. i think what i'm trying to say is that i sometimes feel uneducated. it was a struggle to graduate high school while technically homeless. when you don't know what couch you'll be hanging your hat at night from night things like algebra ii and physics fall by the wayside. it was a struggle but i managed, somehow. i played a lot of sports and i was damn good at most of them. basketball was tricky, my legs and my arms never seemed to coordinate, i ended up sprawled across the gym floor a lot more often than i executed a decent shot or block. even still, basketball was easier for me than most of my classes.
real life was happening all around me. my junior year of high school, my brother's girlfriend had a baby. violet. at the age of sixteen, i was recruited to help with the care of the little one overnight. adelaide's parents, especially after the birth of violet, were dead set against adam spending the night. i practically lived with this family for six months, no less than three nights a week, waking up for midnight feedings in the wake of state volleyball tournaments and with the threat of algebra tests looming over the boiling water and bobbing bottle. my best friend becoming my secret drunken girlfriend. my mother never home, always at the flower shop. my father, only home long enough to enrage me enough to provoke a fight. a fight i almost always provoked, looking back.
the anger bubbling under the surface over everything that had happened and was happening, it made being the perfect little student impossible. it made being a decent student only a shining glimmer of hope in the far off distance in a land of fantasy. i say that i tried and i did try, i just think i spent more effort trying to untangle the mess of emotions and relationships and just life that i was given than i did in trying to be smart.
college wasn't really an option for a girl who walked across that graduation stage by the skin of her teeth and who's address was anything but permanent and a lot of the time was just "1999 isuzu rodeo, unless it's in impound." i didn't really want to go, either. my college partying days were all used up while i was still in high school. i didn't have a bastard clue what i wanted to do with my life, and i didn't have any money. furthering my education seemed like a joke. instead, i worked. learned every trade that would pay me. got smarter, but not more educated.
in my life i am surrounded by all of these wonderful, intelligent, cultured, educated people. i met emmett in a broken down elevator and within those first few moments, he had already impressed me. i couldn't tell him that, of course, but he spoke with such confidence and precision. in the months that followed, i'd like to say i learned a lot from the professor, but not as much as i would have liked. it's easy to feel inferior when all you know about freud or psychology in general is from tv shows and movies.
google is my very good friend. before i comment sometimes, i google the topic lest i make an ass of myself. i second guess myself a lot more often than i let on. especially around these well educated people that i don't know very well. i don't want to be the blonde bimbo stereotype that some people expect me to be. i don't want to be dismissed due to my ignorance. i don't feel like i'm a smart person, you know? and sometimes it really bothers me.